September 13th, 2005 at 1:50 p.m.

It seems as though the last few weeks have come and gone in a whirlwind. We have been through so many emotional events in a short period of time. The wedding was wonderful and the love we all shared throughout the planning was...worth all the worry. It is strange that as I look at the pictures of Jess at the wedding, I am struck with a reality I guess I have not seen or wanted to see. The pictures are not what I see. He did look very handsome in his tuxedo.

School was another very emotional event for both Amanda and I. It brought back memories for Amanda of the wonderful relationship she had with her brother when they were both in high school. She lost him at his young age of 17 in a terrible car accident. She was 18. I know she and Jess have been brought together for a very special reason. We are so grateful for whatever that reason is...

For me, my heart ached to see all of the kids talking in the halls, hurrying to class, laughing, hugging and watching Jess as though they just couldn’t understand how something so awful could happen to someone so much like them. We all have a hard time understanding that one.

Amanda did have some very good days as they continued to attend classes through the week. She was able to get Jess to hold a marker in his right hand in his art class and he even tried to move it to make some marks on the paper. The therapist had some very good sessions and more of his friends were able to approach Jess. I know it must be so hard for them. He is still Jess...he just can’t tell you.

I am trying to remember what I did before Jess was hurt. My sole focus is on him and I feel lost when he is not here. I am still very busy but I have an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. It too shall pass.

We had a very spiritual weekend that will remain in our memories for a long time. I attended the Dalai Lama’s message to 10,000 people with my cousin and two friends on Sunday. He is so delightful, funny and spoke words that supported all of my beliefs. He, too, has witnessed a terrible tragedy in losing his home and his country of Tibet. He reminded us not to ever lose hope. Chris and I took Jess to the children’s event on Monday. He spoke to the children and let them know they were responsible for the future. He stressed the importance of “compassion”. “You must help others’ and if you can’t help, you should not harm others.” “We need a little more compassion, and if we cannot have it then no politician or even magician can save the planet.” It begins with you and then ripples throughout the world. He said it was a new beginning. An age of dialogue instead of violence. It was such a peaceful event in which I know everyone left with a sense of calmness and love. We are so fortunate to have been able to participate and to have Jess in the presence of “His Holiness”.

Again, I am forced to realize that Jess is the only one in control of his destiny and all I can do is love him. Not even “His Holiness” can change his journey.