March 17th, 2006

Daniel here again.
Jess was sleepy for most of today, and I wondered what that might mean. After a while I decided that it didn’t mean anything, and it was nice to see him going through what any of us might.
Then, I got thinking about Jess’s accident and all the lives it has changed; and honestly, no matter how positively you spin it, the whole thing just sucks. We create meaning - WE put labels on experiences, and sometimes I get so sick of having to be “enlightened.” Being pleasant, EVOLVING into a more perfect being - don’t you ever just want to scream about the hardship, the pettiness, the INJUSTICE of how things happen? Are you not tired of self censure? There’s a wonderful beast in there dying to be set free, your own Jekyll and Hyde.
There is no room for love until after the truth has been expressed in whatever nasty form it raises its ugly head. If what you really feel is not expressed, then all you do is spread the peanut butter of illusion over a wound that cannot heal.
Everyone is so hip on not reacting, but is not your initial reaction the most authentic, the one most needing to be said out loud? Reasoning it out or creating a meaning comes later.
What I’m saying here is, can you believe how horrible it is for all this to have happened to Jess? It’s outrageous and about a hundred other things like unbelievable, wrong, unfair, undeserved and cruel. I’m pissed!
And now that that is said, here is my spin, the meaning I have created: On the way to work this morning I totaled my truck (I can still hear the crunching). No one was hurt, and after calling the Police I immediately called Pam. “Don’t you try to move Jess by yourself - I will be there soon, I’m just a block away.” (Pam’s shoulder is hurt and moving Jess aggravates it - not to mention aggravating Chris, who so wants Pam to get better). As I put the cell phone in my pocket I was struck by what a privilege it is to be involved in something more important than myself - something which supersedes my own day to day drama; such a gift to be, if only for a little while, a servant.