Five Years Ago Today

What do you do or say on the fifth anniversary of a tragedy? Five years has gone by so fast but then again it has been an unbearably long time. When I look back through the pages of where we have been and what we have been through, I really don't know how we have survived the last 1,825 days.

We have done so many things to help Jess recover from the horrible accident that almost took his life away. We have never given up hope that something would click and help his brain heal. We have been to the Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City, The Centre for Neuro Skills in California, Atlanta, GA to see a world renowned healer (John of God), the Cleveland Clinic for a trial that never happened, to Minneapolis to learn how to do neurofeedback and to Boise numerous times for numerous reasons. We even enrolled Jess back in school for four years hoping it would stimulate his memory of friends and of places and things he loved to do.
We have heard of countless prayer groups who have prayed for him, countless people who have prayed for him (including the Dahli Lama), countless people who still pray for him and we know some who have lost their faith and given up praying. We have seen too many doctors, have had too many tests and have endured too many sleepless nights.


We have done every therapy you can imagine with every kind of therapist. We have cried and we have cried and we have cried. And, unfortunately Jess is not much further on his path of healing than he was 1,825 days ago.



Our son still cannot walk, or talk, or laugh, or cry, or stand or sit without support, or pick up a pen by himself or call our names in the night when he is afraid, or even ask why this has happened to him.



But, he can smile, he can blink three times to tell me he loves me. He blinks twice to say yes and get the horse to walk. He gives his dad the cutest grin when he tries to get away from a big bear hug. He moves his leg occasionally when in the walking sling and hits his switch to make games on a computer react. And he can look at you with the most precious blue eyes and have a presence that makes you want to just cuddle up next to him and hope that if you close your eyes and be really still he might take you with him in his many travels in his dreams.

We are survivors. How or why, I am not sure. I guess we don't know what else to do but to keep believing a miracle will happen and Jess will return to us whole and perfect again. If not, we will always love and care for him as we are doing for as long as it takes. We will accept him for whoever he is today and not wish away the day wanting him to be who he was five years ago. We have found out you cannot live each day in sorrow or it will destroy your soul.


It was just about this time right now that we got the knock on the door five years ago. I am looking out at a beautiful sky full of wonder with the sun saying good night behind the dark and eery clouds. It is just another day in our lives, another milestone. We made it to five years and we are still all together and we still love each other. We still can hold each other and find small things in our day to help us feel glad to be alive. Maybe June 17th, 2009 is a new beginning of better days to come. I hope so. Don't you? With love....