How is Jess? Jess is healthy, handsome, frustrated (I am sure) but so tolerant, responsive (sometimes), moving his left hand and foot, still eating small amounts, enjoying school (I hope), horseback riding well...and, oh, so loved.
How is his family? Struggling... A good friend told me it was ok to not have all positive good days. And, it was ok to be honest about it. So many people say to me, "I can't imagine what your day is like." I can help you with that image. Have one of the people in your life that you love and cherish more than life itself lie down on the bed. Tell them they cannot move, talk, smile, laugh or cry for 24 hours. Also make sure they are 10 inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than you. You need to figure out how to take care of every aspect of this beautiful person's life. Whatever you do to sustain your own life you must do for this person you love so much. You are also responsible for making sure he has all the right therapies, rest, nutrition, medical checkups, right amount of standing, moving in different positions to prevent skin breakdown, stimulation and protect his financial security. You have to make all of his decisions and make the best choices for his welfare. And, remember he cannot tell you how he feels, if he hurts, if he's mad, if he's tired....all you can do is to read his body language. You have had no formal training in severe traumatic brain injuries and you have no one that can really give you any solid answers of the outcome. And, everyone around you would like you to give them the answers you don't have. You just get to watch and wait. Multiply that 24 hour day by approximately 485 days and you will know what my day is like.
Do I sound suicidal? I'm not. I guess I just needed to share with you my reality, my frustration and explain why I have had such a hard time writing lately. I know everything is temporary and this too shall pass. I always try to remain positive. I am still very grateful that I can be there for my son. Jess will get better. I refuse to think any different. His family just hurts so badly and feels so helpless...sometimes it is unbearable. We want to run on the beach again with Jess, climb another mountain, sing another song, dance another dance, laugh, cry, argue with him so we can hug and make up. Will we get to do those things again?...who knows. We continue to pray and listen for the answer. Cherish all of those things you do with those you love because you never know when it will all be taken away from you in a split second.
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