We are still here - nine years later!

I don’t know why I decided to write on Jess’ website today. I guess every year at this time I remember how important it was for me to tell everyone how he was doing and “vent” by writing accounts of our day. And, just knowing people were there to support us and cared about what was happening to our lives helped tremendously. Now, I doubt anyone even visits this site. Life goes on and we forget and move on. Our lives are so busy!

It has been 9 years today! Nine years of transferring, dressing, worrying, stopping over 250 seizures, blending almost 10,000 breakfast, lunch and dinners for his feeding tube, organizing therapies, dealing with insurances, bathing and helping him with personal care, taking turns sleeping by his side and losing way too much sleep, transporting, escaping in the motor home with him for a little different view, praying, crying, rejoicing at the smallest gains and most of all loving him more than he will ever comprehend.

No, Jess is not talking, walking, eating hamburgers, using his arms and hands, playing basketball, holding his head up, crying, falling in love or… telling me where he has been all these years. He is using his eye gaze computer a little better, trying to make sounds, showing some aggression once in awhile, trying to take a step in his walking sling, riding the Quadriciser and not especially liking it, and smiling on occasion.

We won’t give up but we have accepted our reality. I am still always searching for the latest cures for traumatic brain injuries. We have taken him to clinics in Salt Lake, Cleveland, Austin, Los Angeles, Bakersfield, Boise, Phoenix and Minneapolis to try something new. Nothing seems to make a big difference. We go with a lot of hope and come home discouraged.

How are we? We are tired, frustrated, hurt, confused and sometimes down right mad that we lost such a beautiful, talented, loving, wonderful son to such a horrible accident. And, we can’t take it back. We can’t take back the few seconds it took to leave him in this condition. We can only try to find some joy in each day, love our new son and keep getting up.

With all that said, most of the time, we do alright. Chris and I have a system and we couldn’t do it without each other. We beat the statistics, so far, we are still together. We find little bits of freedom and actually have a date night once a week. We have not left Jess’ side for nine years except for a few hours at a time when we have our wonderful caregiver, Dora, here. Even then, we are always on edge and always waiting for a phone call saying that we need to rush home.

They say, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. Why does “he” give anyone something so tragic to handle? They also say, “Everything is for a reason.” I haven’t found that reason yet. I wish I could trade places with him. But then he would hurt as much as I do. If I stay in today and not think about the future or curse the past I do ok. It’s a lot of work!

If you did check this website today, thank you! If not, it’s ok. It has been a long, long time. If Jess could talk I am sure this would be something he would say    Click Here  (watch it to the end, you won't regret it).

We wish you the best!

“In the birth of understanding and compassion, there will be love... and in the birth of love, there will be healing.”

-Dr. Deepak Chopra